Script

SIDE 1

LINA

(impossibly nasal and flat, but totally unaware of anything wrong)

Ta-tay-tee-toe-too.

MISS DINSMORE

No, no, Miss Lamont. Rrround tones. Rrround tones. Now, let me hear you rrread your line.

LINA

(very flat on the “an” sounds)

“And I can’t stan’ ‘im.”

MISS DINSMORE

“And I cahn’t stand him.”

LINA

“And I can’t stan’ ‘im.”

MISS DINSMORE

“Cahn’t!”

LINA

“Can’t”

MISS DINSMORE

“Caaahn’t!”

LINA

(like a goat bleating)

“Caaaan’t.” 

SIDE 2

LINA

Zelda, you know, you have to see things with your own eyes to believe it. If you hadn’t opened my eyes, I’d still be walkin’ around in the dark.

ZELDA

That’s what friends are for...

LINA

You’re a real pal. This business is a jungle. It’s dog-eat-dog. Vultures waiting to eat your carcass before you’re dead. And how about that little snake in the grass?

ZELDA

I told ya’.

LINA

You were right. And I wasn’t going to believe you. Can you imagine what lies she must have told him about me?
Me – his fee-an-see! The girl he’s gonna marry! You read all about it.

ZELDA

Sure. You must be brokenhearted.

LINA

Think of all those people when they find out they’re using someone else’s voice instead of mine – and what’s wrong with my voice anyway?!

ZELDA

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

LINA

Yeah, ain’t it the truth.

ZELDA

Don’t let it upset you, honey. You know how it makes you sweat. And remember. Last time you got hives.